People talking about their own finances for the first time often apologise. “It's not much.” “I know I should have more by now.” “This is probably too small for you to bother with.”
The amount makes little difference. People apologise for £2,000 and people apologise for £2,000,000.
Why it matters
Shame can stop people getting help, telling their partner, or telling a professional the one fact that would change the advice.
Someone who lost money on a bad decision five years ago and never told anyone will often present as simply “cautious”. Their adviser cannot understand why nothing they suggest ever gets acted on. Questions about attitude to risk do not uncover it.
What silence can cost
Money nobody discusses tends to stay where it is, because the facts that might change that only come up once someone says the number.
Worked example — illustrative figuresSomeone has built up £150,000 over fifteen years. It is all in the easy-access account of the bank they have used since school, because moving it would have meant a conversation. Two things apply.
One: £30,000 of it is unprotected. The Financial Services Compensation Scheme covers up to £120,000 per eligible person, per bank, building society or credit union, for firms failing after 30 November 2025. Everything above that limit in a single institution sits outside the safety net.
Two: the interest is taxed. Assume the money earns 4% across the year — an illustration rather than a quoted rate — giving £6,000 of interest. A basic-rate taxpayer has a Personal Savings Allowance of £1,000, so £5,000 is taxable at 20%: £1,000 of tax. A higher-rate taxpayer gets a £500 allowance and pays 40% on £5,500: £2,200. Additional-rate taxpayers get no allowance at all. Up to £20,000 a year can go into an ISA, where the interest is not taxed. Unused allowance does not roll over to the next tax year.
There is a mirror version for people at the other end of the scale. The starting rate for savings lets someone with low earned income receive up to £5,000 of savings interest at 0% tax. It reduces by £1 for every £1 of other income above the £12,570 Personal Allowance, and disappears entirely once other income reaches £17,570. Pensioners with modest incomes and a cash balance may qualify.
Where it comes from
Part of it is culture: many people are taught that discussing money is rude. Part is treating money as a score, so any number feels like a judgement. And for those who have more than the people they grew up with, there can be discomfort at the gap.
What helps
- Say the number out loud once, to one person who won't react.
- Separate the number from the verdict. A balance is a fact about your circumstances.
- Notice the apology when it happens. Ask who you are apologising to.
A script for saying the number
This takes one evening.
- Write the figure down before you say it. On paper, alone: the exact number, including debts.
- Pick the safest single listener. Choose the person who will react least. Sometimes that is a partner. Often it is a sibling, an old friend, or a professional you are paying precisely because they have no stake in the answer.
- Say it once, with no decision attached. The aim is to say the number, not to plan.
- Notice what you added. Many people add an explanation — the divorce, the bad year, the flat that should have been bought in 2012. Notice that you felt the balance needed explaining.
- Do one mechanical thing within a week. For example, check your FSCS position or ask your employer what your pension contribution is.
If a partner is involved, different money backgrounds may come up; money and relationships covers that conversation.
Telling a professional
Someone who lost money badly in 2008, or who quietly guaranteed a relative's loan, or whose business partner cleaned them out, may not mention it. What their accountant or adviser sees instead is somebody who agrees with every recommendation and acts on none of them, and who scores as “cautious” on every attitude-to-risk questionnaire ever written.
Tell them, early, in one sentence, without the story. “You should know I lost a lot on X and I have never really got over it.” That single sentence changes what a decent professional recommends, and how they explain it. If you are not sure who you are supposed to be telling — coach, adviser, accountant, nobody — coach or adviser? draws the line, and how to find a financial adviser covers how to choose one and what it should cost.
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